The next day, I was meeting Hailey –now Josh– for coffee. I needed to convince her that the voice inside me had finally gone away.
"Um ...Josh," I said, as we sat down at the coffee shop, "I think it's finally gone. I don't hear that voice anymore."
Hailey looked at me skeptically, "You've lied to me before about this, Hailey."
The voice had tried to impersonate me?
"I promise you. I'm myself again. I don't know what happened, but I'm not that voice anymore."
Hailey softened at my words, "Okay, I believe you."
She started to sob, "It took my life away from me. I never should've traded bodies with you. I'm so sorry."
I wrapped my arms around her, holding her as she cried into my shoulder, "The last thing I remember is when we were teenagers. Now I'm married. I don't know what to do."
It was a relief to finally be rid of that voice inside my head. But now, I had a new problem. I'd become a married woman without ever realizing it.
"Do you want to switch back now?" I asked eagerly.
"Josh..." Hailey quivered, "We ...can't. Not now. You have a life. A husband. You just bought a house together."
"But I don't want that life. I want my old life back. I don't want to be a woman."
"It's not that simple, Hailey. You've changed. You're not Josh. That was years ago."
"I don't care! I want my old life back!"
"But this isn't your life anymore. I'm Josh now. I've been Josh for the last decade. I've invested in this life. You can't just waltz back into your old life and expect it to be the same."
"You don't want to swap back?" I was shellshocked.
"No, I don't want to swap back. This is my life. I'm fine with it now."
"But ...but you're my sister!"
"I'm sorry, Josh. Not anymore. I wish it were different, but it isn't."
Hailey was right. I looked down at my body, the feminine dress I wore. My womanly curves. The wedding ring on my finger. I thought about how the world saw me –about how men might desire me or how women would see me as one of their own. Grappling with the idea that this body was forever my own.
I thought about how I would have to interact with my husband. How he'd probably made love to this body I wore countless times before. How the voice in my head might have contorted my face into a smile as it rode his member. I thought about how strange that must feel, and I wondered what it looked like through his eyes, watching your wife's face contort in pleasure.
The tips of my fingers grazed my lower lip. Would I be able to assume that role now? Would I be able to enjoy it the same way?
Hailey touched my arm, "Josh, are you okay?"
I got up from the table, not saying another word. I walked out of the coffee shop, not looking back. I didn't want to see Hailey's concerned face. I didn't want to think about the things I'd lost.
Comments
Post a Comment